Posted by Draelin on July 01, 2008 at 5:42PM
Author’s Note: This re-read was written right after the publication of KoD. It has not been modified to reflect events since the release of book eleven, including (but not limited to) any snark that may have been directed at our recently-departed Creator. Some of you may wonder (and rightly so) why I waited so long to post it, and to those people I say back up off me, I was waiting for the rest of it to be posted. :)
CoT sapped my will to live, and then I accidentally deleted my first twenty chapter summaries, so I had to find "serious" chapter summaries and re-summarize the summaries, because there was no way in H-E-Double-Ashandarei I was going to read the first five hundred pages a second time. Then I spent the night of October 10th forcing myself to get through the last ten chapters so I could go into KoD without anything unfinished hanging over my head. Do you have any idea what it's like to stay up too late reading a book you don't actually want to read? That's why I'm giving the whole book to you in one shot--I don't want to delay and spread out the suck. So without any further ado about (quite literally) nothing, I give you ....
Rereading CoT is a labor of love. Okay, that's a lie. I haven't been this bored since I read The Good Earth in the tenth grade (a book whose only redeeming quality was that it gave me the opportunity to sing "Everybody Wang Lung Tonight" for several weeks--oh, and somebody had cleverly modified my school copy to read The Good Fart, which was also pretty funny. What? I was in tenth grade.).
P: Glimmers of the Pattern (Icon: Great Serpent/Wheel) Rodel Ituralde (who?) tricks Domani and Taraboners into going along with his Top-Seekrit Battle Plan against the Seanchan, neglecting to inform the reader about the specifics, because we don’t really need to know, now do we? Meanwhile, in Amadicia, Eamon Valda doesn't like the High Inquisitor or bad smells. Meanwhile, at the Black Tower, Logain is tetchy and tense despite getting some regular Aes-Sedai-Captive-Lovin'. Meanwhile, at the White Tower, Yukiri wanders the halls with much shawl-shifting and skirt-smoothing, and Seaine is making progress on the Young Sitters Mystery (which can be found in the Teen Series section of your local B&N, between the Babysitters' Club and the Trixie Belden books--dude, I loved Trixie Belden). Meanwhile, just outside Tar Valon, Gawyn whines and wonders where Egwene is. Meanwhile, near Caemlyn, Deira Bashere gets knifed by some guys who then got knifed in turn by somebody else. Meanwhile, down Cairhien way, some ghosts walk and Dobraine is also stabbed by some gentlemen who were searching his quarters while carrying a forged permission slip (My sons, Darkfriend and Flunky, are excused from Phys. Ed. today, due to the urgent need to steal my personal possessions. Love and Kisses, Dobraine).
Meanwhile, that all would have been a lot shorter if RJ didn't try to shove so many POVs into one Prologue just to bleed $3. 50 from all his loyal, misguided readers.
1. "Time to be Gone" (Dice) Mat is stuck outside Ebou Dar with a kidnapped Seanchan princess avec one-person entourage, three Aes Sedai, an equal number of sul'dam, an old gleeman, a thief-catcher, a little kid, a deposed Panarch, an innkeeper, an Illianer-cum-Seanchan river dog, a geriatric fisherman who might as well have a t-shirt that says "Hi, I'm Jain Farstrider", and a former Seanchan captain who needs an intravenous dose of Midol. Mat hates everyone.
2. "Two Captains" (Elephant--Sorry, S'redit) Mat and Co., camped out with Valan Luca's circus (remember him? Characters you don’t give a damn about always come back to haunt you), decide it's finally time to start moving, and Mat gets his hot-hot head-dice action on. Luca prances about in his very fine cloak, and his wife sniffs at Mat once or twice.
3. "A Fan of Colors" (A'dam) Mat wanders around trying to avoid Tuon and is largely unsuccessful (mostly because he wanders right to her house). Thom reports that Tylin has been killed by the gholam, and Mat is sad 'cause he secretly dug Tylin and her many-handed wicked ways (thus proving that Mat is the only real manly-man among the Two Rivers Refugees). The Aes Sedai tell of Big Channeling to the north, but swirls of colors in the head are much less important than dice, so Mat cares not.
4. "The Tale of a Doll" (Seanchan Helmet) Furyk Karede, in charge of Tuon's personal guard, chats with a Seeker, drinks wine, thinks about dolls (but not the blow-up kind, you pervs), and decides that maybe he should go look for his mistress. Seanchan efficiency in action.
5. "The Forging of a Hammer" (Wolf) Sorely lamenting the loss of his testicles and their owner, Perrin discovers that Masema's been shacking up with a couple Aes Sedai and all the Two Rivers men still think that Perrin's playing hide-the-longbow with Berelain on the side. He gets one of those swirly-color-moments when thinking of Rand, but that is, of course, completely unimportant compared to the blacksmith-metaphor-riddled rage that is Perrin's existence.
6. "The Scent of a Dream" (Serpent/Wheel) Uh-oh--Darkhounds. Berelain proves that Masema's been naughty with the Seanchan, and Perrin shows everybody the neat stone-tracks.
7. "Blacksmith's Puzzle" (Ravens) Masuri gives a short Darkhounds 101 lecture. Masema rides up, treats our assembled protagonists to some craaaaaaaazy (with appropriate hand-waving for emphasis), and rides off again.
8. "Whirlpools of Color" (Old Skool Aes Sedai Symbol) Elyas reports that they've found Faile ... and a whole mess o' Shaido. The Aes Sedai, Wise Ones, and Asha'man freak out as RJ syncs up the timeline with the rather useful Cleansing of Saidin, and Perrin vows to free Faile. 'Cause he didn't vow to do that in the last book--or the last chapter.
9. "Traps" (Falcon) It's Choedan Kal day in the Shaido camp, which makes all the Wise Ones (and even Morgase) a bit jumpy. Faile makes friends with a Brotherless in the hope that he may help them escape, and Alliandre makes it clear that she'll keep her trap shut, should Faile need to "dance the sa'sara" *wink wink nudge nudge* to coerce Rolan's assistance.
10. "A Blazing Beacon" (Old Skool Aes Sedai Symbol) Elayne gets dressed, prompting ghosts to come out of the woodwork and hurry her along. The Power Parade starts up in the west with Rand as the Grand Marshal, but Aviendha tells a wholly unsatisfactory story about how she might possibly have maybe been warned about something somewhat like this in the Wise One Rings of Rhuidean (try saying that three times fast), which means perhaps the girls shouldn't get involved. The reader considers this to be horrendously insufficient information, considering the usual attention to embroidery detail.
11. "Talk of Debts" (Lion of Andor) Vandene is wearing her dead sister's clothes, all the channelers in the Palace are on edge, and Hanlon/Mellar gets taken down a peg or two. Elayne decides to take a bath, which will consume the next three chapters.
12. "A Bargain" (Doves) Elayne's bath is mercifully short because the pushy Sea Folk ladies don’t care how clean she is and want to bargain right now, so Princess Snot gives them some land and they give her some Windfinders. During her bath, Elayne ponders briefly that of all the Aes Sedai alive, currently one-third are allied with Elaida, one-third with Egwene, and one-third still unaccounted for. She thinks of how "funny" it would be if this other third were holding itself apart, trading information, and acting on its own plans--this is, in Elayne's mind, absolutely preposterous (and we all know how right Elayne usually is about these things).
13. "High Seats" (Lion of Andor) Dyelin arrives with a day-care center disguised as the High Seats of four powerful Houses. Aviendha puts on a nice dress in which to sneer at them.
14. "What Wise Ones Know" (Flame of Tar Valon) Elayne is having twins! Monaelle informs her that the buns in her oven are healthy, and mentions in passing that she will have difficulty channeling as her pregnancy progresses, being entirely unable to channel during labor. This just in: the declaration of Tarmon Gai'don will be immediately followed by Elayne's first contraction.
15. "Gathering Darkness" (Dragon's Fang) High Seats and Darkfriends scheme (separately) to keep Elayne off the throne. The reader sympathizes with their efforts on behalf of all Andorans. As an aside, High Seats and Darkfriends are effing paranoid.
16. "The Subject of Negotiations" (Bryne's Bull) Egwene waffles about how best to deal with the White Tower. Delana informs her and her posse that some Sitters are talking about opening negotiations with Elaida, which gets everybody's collective color-coded Ajah panties in a twist.
17. "Secrets" (Ravens) Egwene wanders through the Rebel camp providing some wholly unnecessary exposition, then watches people make cuendillar, which involves staring at an object until it turns white. The reader cries with boredom and then takes a moment to wonder if cuendillar comes in colors, because it might look nice in the bathroom.
18. "A Chat With Siuan" (Snakey Square) "Dear Mr. Jordan: I swear under the Light and by my hope of salvation and rebirth that I will buy Knife of Dreams, I will buy the graphic novel version of New Spring, and I will buy anything else you see fit to release, if you will only make. It. Stop." It totally sucks to be Egwene, and girlfriend needs some Excedrin.
19. "Surprises" (Flame of Tar Valon) The sisters sent to check out what happened at the Shadar Logoth Smackdown last week come back to report that it was unquestionably the work of Forsaken, proving once again that the various Aes Sedai are perhaps the least intelligent factions in the series. The idea of forging an agreement with the Asha'man is raised in the Hall, causing the Sitters to fight over the prospect like prom queens at the full-length mirror--and a few of them probably vomited at one point or another 'cause Aes Sedai seem to do that a lot when they're surprised (which takes a lot of the fun out of birthday parties).
20. "In the Night" (Dream Ring Ter'angreal) Egwene dream-chats briefly with Aviendha, who neglects to mention that Rand was in charge of the Giant Power Usage, but gleefully informs Eggy that Elayne's having some channeling difficulties (and twins). Egwene says 'bye to Avi and then proceeds to have more of her spooooooky dreams, and Anaiya and her Warder are saidinned to death in the middle of a campful of Aes Sedai, which I’m pretty sure was the plot of Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Tar Valon Express.
21. "A Mark" (Black Lady/White Lady) Alviarin returns to the Tower after running to the grocery store, the dry cleaner, and the post office for Mesaana, only to find that Elaida has grown a spine and has a wicked right hook. She's given a nifty invisible non-Voldemort Dark Mark by Shaidar Haran, who is apparently not just the hand of the Dark One, but other naughtier parts, as well. Then she repeatedly touches her gang initiation tattoo (which will never heal if you don't stop poking at it) and thinks about throwing herself down some stairs—the reader vehemently urges her on, but is disappointed.
22. "One Answer" (Flame of Tar Valon) Newly Keeper-fied Tarna suggests to Pevara that Red sisters begin bonding Asha'man, which is the worst idea since Greedo shooting first.
23. "Ornaments" (Dragon) Cadsuane's got hair thingamabobbys. Rand's in Tear. If you were expecting something more exciting or informative, you're S.O.L.
24. "A Strengthening Storm" (Black Lady/White Lady) Loial's got the Waygates guarded, Logain gets a scolding and a hand-slap from the Lord Dragon, then those two and Bashere get sent to have tea and crumpets with the Seanchan while the reader berates Rand from the comfort of her couch and wonders if he’ll ever be cool again.
25. "When to Wear Jewels" (Seanchan Helmet) Perrin, Berelain, and the Aes Sedai get dressed up and take a trip to buy grain. And that's it. The reader thinks maybe watching a movie or doing the dishes would be a more useful way to spend her time.
26. "In So Habor" (Ravens) So Habor is like New York City without the nightlife ... or the culture ... or the Yankee fans ... or that guy in front of Port Authority with one leg who calls every passing woman "babycakes." Really, it's just a big, stinky town with walking dead. Perrin impresses everyone with how strong he is, and all the food in town is rotting.
27. "What Must Be Done" (Wolf) Holy crap, did Perrin just cut that guy's hand off? Perrin does a bit of the nutty in his misplaced desire to get Faile back, then throws away his axe in a fit of regret. The reader spends this chapter blinking in disbelief, if only because something happened.
28. "A Cluster of Rosebuds" (Dice) (Japanese Title: Tu-On: The Grudge) Mat courts Tuon with mixed results, dances with some ghosts, and gets a lesson in Seanchan marriage ceremonies.
29. "Something Flickers" (Anchor/Sword) Mat takes the ladies shopping (because you know the ladies love the shopping) and ends up having to order Renna's death, which treats the reader to another bout of Two Rivers Chauvinism. He realizes that Tuon can learn to channel and will never do a single thing he says, so he sits down on the ground and laughs. 'Cause really, what else are you going to do?
30. "What the Oath Rod Can Do" (Flame of Tar Valon) For those of you hoping that this is the chapter where Egwene realizes the Power can be used for carnal purposes, you're going to be sorely disappointed. Nicola has run away, Kairen has been murdered, and Bode Cauthon is the Last Best Hope for the rebels, much like Luke Skywalker before her. Disliking anyone else stealing her thunder, Eggy takes Bode's place, turns the Tar Valon harbor chains to cuendillar, and gets herself abducted.
Epilogue "An Answer" (Great Serpent/Wheel) Bashere announces that Suroth wants Rand to meet the Daughter of the Nine Moons. The reader says "Hey, wait, Tuon's with Mat and Suroth's a Darkfr ... uh-oh."
Maybe I'll do KoD sometime this century. :)