Posted by Bair on October 18, 2008 at 8:18AM
In Reply to: Write your own obituary posted by Darkhound on October 17, 2008 at 9:40PM:
World renowned adventurer, explorer, author, linguist, philantropist and founder of Southern Jessiestan, JessieBair, was found dead in her throne room this morning, sparking demonstrations of uncontrollable grief around the globe. Information is sketchy but early reports indicate that the Empress was not assassinated but instead died when her head exploded. Having suffered a mild stroke early in the year following the death of her partner, her speech centers were affected, reducing her to waving her arms and writing commands in dry erase marker on a portable whiteboard. This in turn created a case of terminal frustration and boredom, resulting in the cranial conflagration that killed her instantly. Empress JessieBair was 90 years old.
JessieBair spent her early years in Eastern Kentucky and after a series of unsatisfying jobs, began her ascent toward international fame and untold riches when she went to work in The Sultanate of Oman. Known there as Al Scourge O’ Nizwa, JessieBair eventually moved to Qatar to continue her work in making mouthy women mouthier. After developing a mild addiction to Kalms, she then moved to England to continue her career and pursue her partner, Dark ‘Best Ass in Nizwa” Hound. She burst onto the international book scene in 2010 with her ground breaking teacher’s manual, “Do Your Homework or I’ll Rip Your Lips Off.”
JessieBair’s life continued along a normal domestic trajectory until 2015 with the release of her Nobel Prize winning first novel, “The Haunting of Magdalene Maybe.” Surprising the publishing industry with her business acumen, she reserved her rights to author the screenplay, earning another blazillion dollars (roughly 2.8 Yen) in royalties. Combining her newfound wealth with that of her partner, the two purchased an unplottable island somewhere in the Aegean from which to begin their machinations toward world domination. They declared Southern Jessiestan an independent state on March 13, 2020 and proceeded to rule and expand their holdings through a benevolent dictatorship.
Upon reaching their goal of Expanded Manifest Destiny, the Empress and her Master of Shoes eradicated world hunger, eliminated war and cured most terminal diseases, all through the application of their controversial policy called “No Stupid People Allowed.” Having achieved a state in which everyone else did exactly like she wanted, Global Jessiestan achieved an era of peace and prosperity previously unknown in human history. For further details on the life of Empress JessieBair, see the seminal biography by P. Darkhound entitled “I’m Perfectly Pleasant So Long as I Get My Way.”
Empress JessieBair’s plans for life after death are well known and include as her first act the search and location of the Prince Consort. Upon realization of her goal, she will then declare “I told you so!” and proceed to dominate the afterlife to the best of her considerable ability.
Empress JessieBair is survived by the Heir Apparent, Crown Princess M’Ev, her nephew, Prince SpideyPrice, and a planet of mourners unified in their grief. As we mourn the death of our fearless leader, we hold tight to the comfort that the Crown Princess will continue her beloved Aunt’s work as put forth in our Pledge of Allegiance, “One nation, under Otters, with liberty and great shoes for all.” The Empress is dead. Long live the Empress.