The Revenge of Asmodean

Header prophesy:

For the Dragon will be unto the land as the blazing fire is to the charred wood, a pillar of bright energy that makes other people really jealous and want to kill him. And his coming unto the earth shall be as the soft spring rain, that is, if the soft spring rain was half-insane, paranoid, and knew how to use balefire. And he shall sing the Song of his Choice to the land, and there will be great anguish in the land as he ponders the Choice: Beatles or Beach Boys? But in the meantime, he shall hunt down the Forsaken as the wolf hunts the deer, although the deer will never realize that they need to get together and beat up the wolves and that they also know how to use balefire. The storms of chaos shall haunt the earth, destroying the fruits of nature but fortunately never hurting the main characters because they can't die and continue on without the soap opera starting to delve into the unnatural. And the land shall burn, and fires reap, and other natural forces have strange adjectives applied to them, before Jordan gets around to writing about Tarmon Gai'don, because he's actually really lazy and wants to keep everyone in suspense. Yet shall the coming of the Dragon finally break the hold of the Dark One upon the earth, and men shall weep and women sniff at the Last Battle, for then there will be no more next book to look forwards to and talk about. Weep, ye people of the world, although I haven't the foggiest idea why. a fragment of the Karaethon Cycle translated by Barney al'Ka-seltzer Court Fool to King Quaqua of Lornadoon Sword-Swallower and Rat-Slayer of Zazu around 971 NE into the New Tongue broadcast on 97.1 KRAP sponsored by Airco Inc. (slogan: BUY AIRCO OR DIE)

The REAL book 8 is called "The Revenge of Asmodean", and in it Asmodean (who turns out to be Jain Farstrider AND Beidomon AND Elyas Machera AND Bayle Domon AND Jean-Luc Picard) balefires Rand and becomes the Dragon, then beats up Thom to get his harp, which he uses to sneak through the Tower of Ghenjei and find out that Moiraine and Lanfear and Sammael are dead, that Osan'gar and Aran'gar don't actually exist because death cannot be Healed and that Logain is Ishamael reborn and half-merged with Padan Fain who lost his dagger and Galad picked it up.

The book ends with the Children of the Light turning on the Questioners and joining the Aes Sedai and the Aiel turning out to be the Fremen in disguise and flying around to other planets. Perrin loses an eye and starts gambling, and Mat suddenly becomes very religious, and it turns out that Verin is merged with Isam and Shaidar Haran and Elayne and Herid Fel who was not actually dead (he killed the gholam with his hands) and Tam's long lost sister Siuan and Bayle Domon (who is also Asmodean). Then Padan Fain falls into the Pit of Doom, yelling "my precious" as he grabs Nynaeve's gold ring that Lan gave her which turns out to be...just a normal gold ring, and then a male character sniffs and Rand, Mat, and Perrin all realize that none of them understands girls.

And we forgot to mention that bela remembers days long past of running with the wolves, and she and perrin go hunting together frequently, maddening poor Faile who divorces perrin for a more mature man in an ogier.

I almost forgot...And Berelain becomes a nun and Semirhage decides to take up carpenting with Rhuarc and Theodrin shows Sorilea the "rough side of her tongue" and Mashadar comes out of Shadar Logoth but gets hit by a flying cow launched from a catapult in the Trolloc Wars (EVERYONE knows that trollocs launch diseased cows into cities before attacking) that made it into orbit but suddenly decided to fall out because Gawyn, as is revealed, is ta'veren.

Unfortunately the cow also lands on Gawyn. Sevanna falls in love with Hurin and Bashere turns out to be a darkfriend and Dashiva maries Egeanin (neglecting Bayle Domon/Asmodean/Elyas Machera/Jain Farstrider) and then he gets killed and the three ta'veren become Rand, Mat, and Ewin Finngar who turns out to be the real Dragon and also Aran'gar, thus he can channel saidin, saidar, the True Power, the Light Power, the Fain Power, and the Nacho Power which is the other secret Power that Lanfear and Beidomon tried to drill into.

Oh, and it turns out that Asmodean is also Tam, Geofram Bornhald, Raen, Gareth Bryne, Lamgwin, Darlin, Leane, and the cat from Emond's Field whose name I forget. And Ogiers turn out to be big elves on steroids and they have a broken sword which they give to Rand and then he laughs at it because he's crazy and then LTT appears and kills everyone. And amazingly, it all happens within the space of 15 minutes because the series is slowing down so much. You know, this is kind of fun : ) Thanks, I almost forgot. Here's a scene taken DIRECTLY from the last chapter of the book:

Rand, Logain, Perrin, and Aram walked towards the Bridge of Death, hanging over a narrow chasm. But before they got there, an old man appeared, saying, "Answer my 3 questions or I'll toss you off this cliff." "I think he's already rotted a bit from the taint," muttered Rand to Logain.

Perrin went first.
"What is your name?"
"Perrin 'Goldeneyes' Aybara."
"What is your quest?" "I'm searching for the broken crown."
"What is your favorite color?"
"Green."
The old man nodded, and Perrin crossed the bridge.

Logain went second.
"What is your name?"
"Logain. Actually Logain Ablar, but my last name didn't get made up until book 7."
"Whatever. What is your quest?"
"I seek Callandor."
"Can you spell 'Callandor'?"
"Umm...Argh!" shouted Logain as he flew into the chasm.

Aram went next.
"What is your name?"
"Aram."
"What is your quest?"
"I seek the Song."
"What is the average velocity of a swallow carrying a two-pound egg?"
"What type, Malkieri or Tairen?" Then, "Argh!" as Aram flew off the bridge.
The man straightened and looked at Rand. "That's what the last guy through asked."

And finally, Rand got asked questions.
"What is your name?"
"Rand al'Thor Lews Therin Kinslayer Telamon, the Dragon Reborn, Lord of the Morning, the Car'a'carn, the Coramoor, King of Illian, M'hael of M'haels, He Who Comes With the Dawn, Breaker of the Seals, High Seat of House Al'Thor, and soon-to-be Nae'blis."
"What is your quest?"
"I need to find Moiraine in the Tower of Ghenjei, but I sent Thom to do it. I need to ally with the Seanchan to keep them from destroying Tar Valon, but I sent Mat to do it. I need to stamp out the rebels in Haddon Mirk under Toram Riatin, but I sent Darlin to do it. I need to hunt down all the Forsaken, but I sent Taim to do it. I need to stop Elaida from declaring me a false Dragon, and I sent Gareth Bryne to do it. I need to have someone talk with the Whitecloaks, but I sent Berelain to do it. And I need to fight the Dark One, but I'm hoping I can get Galad to do it instead. In short, I'm just sitting around waiting to rot."
"Why the **** (editor's note: there are four letters here) didn't you kill Lanfear or lead the Tairen army yourself or go home to save Emond's Field or keep Callandor?" "EAT BALEFIRE AND DIE!"

Rand's 3 girls all get together and Aviendha doesn't kill anyone except the cat from Emond's Field who turns out to be a Shadowspawn spy for Semirhage and the 3 decide they hate Rand for messing up their lives & decide to kill him, but it turns out that he's really far away at the time. Rand, Thom, Asmodean and Dobraine are forming a band, and come out with their first hit "Nowhere Man," with Rand on vocals. Mat discovers the real way to make money in Randland-- selling tabac on the black markets in Amador. Mesaana turns out to be Elaida in disguise only she's always schizophrenic & doesn't know that half the time, and she beats up Alviarin and decides to ban all ajahs but Red. This gets everyone else pissed at her but she renames the Red Ajah the Polka-Dot Plaid Ajah and that calms them all down.

The Daughter of the Nine Moons turns out to be a spoiled 10-year old brat who ends up falling for Olver and they "go out" after she comes to Ebou Dar and watches Olver win a horse race (and it turns out that his horse is really Bela's long-lost half-cousin's twin brother Bellina.) Juilin Sandar decides to go after them so he goes to Seanchan where he meets up with Hurin who went thru a gateway after Taim (who is, of course, just LTT reincarnated seperately from Rand) and they fight for no good reason and end up killing each other. Then the Eelfinn come out of the Tower of Ghenjei and go on a rampage towards Caemlyn, and climb over the garden wall into the palace where Bashere's wife scolds them all to death, especially when she is, as is revealed, Isam's mother Breyan who supposedly died in Malkier AND Setalle Anan AND Min's Aunt Jancy. This leaves the Tower unguarded and Aram paints a door on the side and walks in, but Thom runs into the Tower when he tried to follow. Aram then gets toasted by the Aelfinn, but fortuneately some balefire flies on the other side of the globe and he comes back to life so he can go to the Bridge of Death in Shara and die there also.

Rand leads an expedition to Shara and decides to go by the Ways, and Machin Shin develops a taste for Cairhienin Aiel-wannabes but leaves Rand alone. It turns out that Shara is actually Seanchan but the accents just made everyone think the words were different, and then Rand drops two iron balls off the Tower of Ravens and proves that when ta'veren are around, ANYTHING can happen as the two balls land at different times. Well, actually, one gets stopped about six feet off the ground when it plows through Suroth who just happened to be back in Seanchan at the time, and then bowling is invented and all the Seanchan are happy and don't want to invade Randland, until golf is invented two books later.

Queen Tenobia pops up in Emond's Field and falls in love with Tam, but so do Morgase and Alliandre of Ghealdan and Amathera of Tarabon and Kiruna. Suddenly Tam has a whole bunch of girls & he figures out that he's also ta'veren so he decides that HE is the Dragon and goes to Shayol Ghul and beats up Shaidar Haran by chopping off his limbs in succession. Then he figures out why Myrdraal cloaks don't blow in the wind...glue. More specifically, it's the glue that should have been holding the paperback books together, but the glue manufacturer took a wrong turn in "Seanchan-nati" and was tortured by Ba'alzamon and turned into his hound and partially merged with Padan Fain before falling in love with Cenn Buie. (it also turns out that at least one of them is gay)

Dain Bornhald falls in love with Liandrin, then learns she can channel. Then bad, bad, bad things happen to Liandrin. Eamon Valda, in a strange ta'veren twist, decides to take up the Way of the Leaf, and ends up gai'shained by Sevanna, before they fall in love and Sevanna repents bringin slavery back into the wetlands & finds out she can channel but has been tricked by Graendal into swearing on the Oath Rod to constantly bang herself on the head with large rocks and eat nothing except grass and dirt. Berelain's man in white turns out to be Lamgwin who's of course merged with Bran al'Vere, Jaichim Carridin, and Agelmar Jagad, and she falls in love and they get married and live happily ever after until they take a honeymoon into the middle of Masema's mobs. And twenty or so Asha'man go insane and wander around the countryside attempting to hijack trees.

Then we find out that every female character is pregnant, including Egwene who touched Tel'aran'rhiod along with Gawyn in Gawyn's dream, and Elaida, and Birgitte. And Halima, who promptly goes insane and admitts to being Aginor, and everyone decides she's insane and all the yellows study her to see if madness can be Healed.
 
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