Rand gazed over the assemblage and wondered what to do next. He felt a pinch on his
bottom and turned around, startled. A young woman grinned and flashed an official
“Screwed-up by theWays” card (thanx to brandi for that one). He groaned, and Lews
Therin hummed.

Mat scratched another note in his little black ledger. There were few single females left
here that he hadn’t chatted up yet. He searched the room and easily found one of them.
She was a young, noble-looking woman who had her head shaved and inch-long blue
fingernails. Mat decided against this one. What kind of girl would _want_ to go bald?!

The noble-looking woman noticed Mat shake his head. She smiled, very flattered.
Obviously, his respect for her was so high that he dared not approach her, and his love
was so great that he was too shy to. She saw him go talk to another woman and figured
that he had resorted to asking others about her. The fact that all he spoke to were women
escaped her entirely. She decided to be kind and go over and tell him that he was the one
she had chosen to be the companion of her future life. “Oh Matrim, my love, I wish to
speak with you....”

Perrin hurried to Rand, eager to escape the one person who scared him more than his
darling wife. Somewhere in the crowd, an older Saldaean woman shouted, “Wolf? Ha!
You’re more like a frightened puppy! Perrin Aybara! I’ll teach you to go and marry my
daughter! Perrin? Perrin?! Blood and bloody, flaming, goat-kissing, sheep-gutted,
milk-drinking ashes!” Perrin shuddered.

He watched a young woman pinch Rand and sighed. Rand just had to stand there, and
girls came to him. “Geez, Rand, was this one prophecied, too?”

Rand glared. “Lews Therin, shut up. I don’t know who she is.” He cocked his head, as if
listening, and Perrin heard him whisper. “Perrin, get out my head! Burn you, you mad
man!” _Perrin_ was mad??

“Um, Rand, I think you should do something. The people smell, er, seem to be...”

Rand interrupted, “Yes I must kill them, kill them all! Burn them, break them, seal the
breaks, seal the breaks! Aneyli, Thgil ho!”

Perrin continued, but something seemed odd. Wasn’t Rand supposed to rant about
breaking seals and cry out “Oh Light, Ilyena!” at random points in his dialogue? “Er, I
mean, entertain them. They’re getting restless and some weird guy in black keeps telling
everyone that black is the timeless classic and offering free makeovers if they join the
Shadow. Some are so bored that they’re starting to accept. Plus another guy keeps
telling people he’s Lord of the Thundercats but that he’s the Morning Lord and
Lord-of-a-whole-bunch-of-stuff. He’s really scaring people; they think he’s going..ah...”
he looked pointedly at Rand.

Suddenly Rand spasmed and just as suddenly recovered himself. “Yes,” he said in a
slightly odd voice, “I have won! Finally I shall kill Demandred, who is clearly disguised
as...” Rand spazzed again. “Whew, that was close,” he said in his normal voice, “That
mad man nearly exposed Demmy! If they knew who he was, what would the poor WoT
fans do all day? No more could they work on perfecting their Taimendred or
he’s-not-Demandred theories. Then they’d focus of Asmo’s killer and find out the truth!
For the truth is out there.” He barked a laugh. “Its so simple, really. But they must never
know. No, never know my preciousss they mussst not know. Only we mussst know who
it wassss.”

Perrin backed away slowly. Perhaps this wasn’t such a good idea. He looked at the
milling throng of people and saw Faile’s mother, and shuddered again. “Of course, Rand.
I’ll make sure they don’t find out. Listen, we need to do something.”

Rand nodded thoughtfully. “Okay, Lews Therin, I’ll do something.” He wove saidin and
his voice boomed as the room darkened and a beacon of light focused on him and Perrin.
“Welcome to the pre-Tarmon Gaidon Randland National Ball!” cheers. Perrin muttered
something about the night sanity forgot, and Rand continued. “My friend and fellow
ta’veren, Lews here,” he gestured toward Perrin, “told me I need to spice things up a bit.
What do you all think?” more cheers. Rand nodded to himself and said, “The voice in my
head whom none of you believe is real has an idea. What, Perrin? He says kill them, must
kill, kill all, they must die, die slowly, why can’t I die,” Perrin muttered another something
here about wishing he could die, “Oh Light I deserve to die, and so on. How does that
sound, folks?” scattered applause for the theatrics and murmuring. Perrin leaned over and
whispered something to Rand. “What? Oh yes, of course. My companion and fellow
Two Rivers man, Lews Therin, think that I shouldn’t kill you all yet. What do you think
of that one?” deafening cheers and applause. “Hmm, well I’m all out of ideas. What do
you think?” suggestions arose from the audience, many coarser than even Tylin could
think of. “Perrin had another idea.” Perrin shrugged and gave up. “Why don’t I let you
bloodthirsty people pick a sacrificial victim? The Volcano God demands a sacrifice! If we
don’t appease the demon, it will destroy us all with one fell stroke!” Names and more
mutterings arose from the audience. A group of black-coated men seemed to be shouting
something about their M’Hael, while a tall, hook-nosed man in a fanciful coat covered in
dragons tried *unsuccessfully* to quell them. Another group of women with ageless faces
seemed to be shouting something about some Red Amyrlin who had brought destruction
the their Tower.

Rand listened attentively and spoke, “Well, I can’t kill Taim. Sorry, but it would ruin the
surprise for the much anticipated Winter’s Heart. Elaide, however...And what was that
Perrin? Padan Fain? Mordeth? Well, okay.”

Suddenly the traveler whom we saw earlier jumped up beside Rand on his podium. “Moir,
Moir, the Traveler found it! The Portal Stone! Now we can find Taim and...” She
stopped, her madly glittering eyes resting on the now-chaotic group of black-coated men
and its leader. “Oh, never mind. He’s already here.” With that, she tossed the Portal
Stone behind her with a crash.

Perrin stared at her. She looked....familiar. She grinned mischeviously at Rand, and
Perrin remembered. She was the one who’d pinched Rand. He lost sight of her and felt a
tweak on his bottom. All he saw was a small piece of parchment with lettering he could
just barely make out. Screwed-up the the Ways.

A hideous screech filled the room, even more painful than that which Mat had emitted
moments after we left Tuon. Perrin turned and fell to his knees weeping. “Kill them all,
must kill, Oh Light let me die!” Faile and her mother had seen him and the Traveler and
were fast advancing. From the shadows, a tall dark woman laughed sadistically, “I have
trained Semir well,” for she knew the suffering Perrin would soon be experiencing.

Rand raised a cool eyebrow (obviously his time trapped in a box, surrounded by Aes Sedai
has had lasting effects) at Perrin. “This isn’t so bad. You all get to watch a grown man
cry and two extremely frightening women descend on him like twin vultures!” The crowd
went wild.

They had been entertained.

Next time: Meetings, Minglings, and Manglings
 
 TravelerOfTheWays